I’d Rather Be Depressed

The truth is – I’d rather be depressed. Not can’t-get-out-of-bed depressed; I just prefer to keep that dark cloud thinly floating above my head. Depression’s familiar. I know what to do. I’ve been fighting it since I was a kid. I know what to expect.

Mania, on the other hand, has always destroyed me. I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know what to expect. Depression may have the power to kill me, but mania could destroy my life. So I’ll have the depression, thank you.

Originally written July 23, 2013

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6 responses to “I’d Rather Be Depressed

  • LC

    Exactly how I feel.
    xo

  • LC

    Reblogged this on STUCK ON EARTH and commented:
    Exactly how I feel xo

  • checkrepeat

    that’s rather odd….. To me, both can be equally devastating. When I go high, work becomes impossible. I blurt out things without thinking that are sometimes (frequently) inappropriate. I clean in mad frenzies and bite the head off anyone who dares get in my way… Then when I’m down…. I feel worthless, insecure, unwanted, and alone. Now, you did qualify that you wouldn’t prefer “can’t get out of bed depressed” but you’re stacking the deck my friend. you are putting a limit on your depression without imposing similar limits on the mania. The whole goal here for us is to pull ourselves closer to “normal” and even out the peaks and valleys. it sucks all around. And I hate it.

    • bipolarbarbielife

      I have many coping mechanisms for the depression end of things, but I have next to none for the mania side. I’d prefer to be leaning slightly towards depression because I feel more equipped to deal with it as it is, prevent it from getting worse, and ultimately pull myself out of it. While with mania, the slightest feelings of wait-am-I-possibly-hypomanic!? scare me horribly because I don’t know how to contain it. I also tend to have trouble differentiating between “happiness” and the very beginnings of hypomania. For me, it’s much more dangerous. So if I have to choose leaning towards one side or the other, I choose the side that I am more confident I can handle. I think when I wrote this I was dealing with a “Am I hypomanic or just happy? At least when I’m a little depressed I know what’s going on” moment. You’re right – it all sucks. Balance is always the goal. If you’ve got strategies for slowing down/stopping mania in its early stages, I’d love to hear them. Thanks for commenting<3

      • checkrepeat

        I could sit here and spout rhetoric your way as if I had some sage advice to offer. But, then you’d see my post from about an hour ago and call bullshit. So I’ll refrain. Now that you elaborate, I agree wholeheartedly. When I’m up, I’m a train off the rails… I just fear the low lows. They scare me.

  • weavergrace

    Can I relate? Let me count the ways…

    Even not-get-out-of-bed depressed (like the past several months) is better than a day of premania or hypomania or mania. Not only is the experience frantic, but the crash is brutal, like being run over by a Mack truck. In depression, I can write, or at least think about my next writing project.

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