Work out your own salvation, do not depend on others

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I came home last night pretty drunk. Smoked with my boyfriend, got into bed, and was absolutely ready to pass out. Mindset: I haven’t brushed my teeth, but who the fuck cares because I’m fucked up and about to sleep forever and it’ll be great and I’ll brush and floss in the morning. My boyfriend was laying with me and asked if I took my night meds. I told him no, but whatever I’m going to take them in a few hours.

So I don’t fully remember what happened next, something along the lines of him being a bit stern in telling me to take them and me going into don’t-tell-me-what-to-do mode, which probably came out as, “If you push it then I promise you I will never fucking take them.” Whatever.

And, again, I can’t remember where exactly this fit in, but I guess he was slightly angry with me for not taking them and said (this I do remember exactly), “Don’t fuck me over,” which translates to, “don’t let me plan my future around you and then have you go and kill yourself or stop taking your meds or something and fuck me over.”

THE FUCK?!

We’ve known each other and been together for 3+ years. In that time, I’ve been hospitalized ONCE. I had a manic episode, recognized (after independently calling my doctor) that I wasn’t safe, needed to go inpatient to stabilize, and I voluntarily checked myself in. Yes, my boyfriend was there to drive me to the ER to go through the finding-a-bed process, but, realistically, if he wasn’t there, I would have taken a cab. My point is, I have bad times. This is a chronic illness that can be treated, but not cured. I know that and he knows that. However, I have NEVER given him a reason to not trust that I can and will take care of myself.

He apologized this morning after realizing I was holding a grudge. I haven’t accepted it yet (hence the angry rant). I’m still so mad that he said that. I’ll find a way to get over it, obviously, but FUCK. I’ve pretty much just been hiding in my bed all day and he’s been out in the living room or whatever. I don’t even know.. I’m just so mad he said that.

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